


The Way It Was But Wasn't (Merlin)

by ValaSidra



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Gen, Please read the author's note at the beginning and at the end!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:40:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28473306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ValaSidra/pseuds/ValaSidra
Summary: Merlin thinks on how he had a happily ever after, but how it was different from a happily ever after. What conclusions did he draw?
Relationships: Knights of the Round Table & Merlin (Merlin), Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Kudos: 7





	The Way It Was But Wasn't (Merlin)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all! This is not really in a specific time in the story and does not follow cannon. I am mainly using this as a way to vent. Pretty much all of the feelings and experiences that I have Merlin feeling and experiencing is what I feel and experience in my life. I have gotten a bit better. I have found friends that really help me express my feelings. I still have bad days and all of that. I don't think my friends even know how much they help. I just want to share this in the hopes that it helps someone in a similar situation. That is why I put it at Teen because this is a really important topic to me, and I want people to know how seriously I take this. I have this pretty close to exact story only for Embassy Row also. Thank you so much for reading this, and if there is anyone that you feel may need to read this, please share. Enjoy!

Merlin watched as snow fell in Camelot around him. He had his happy ending. Why couldn’t he actually _be_ happy? He had his friend, Gwaine, and he brought light to the dark cloud that was his life. Despite this, he still felt numb. There are occasions that he would wake up and be ready and happy for the day. He would feel like he could take on the world, but there were days that he felt that he couldn’t even last a minute. Conversations felt practiced and fell flat on the emotional scale. He became so good at pretending he was alright, he didn’t know how to be any other way. He buried how he felt and forced a happy demeanor until he went numb. He almost forgot what happiness actually felt like. On the days that no matter what he does, he can’t bring anything but a forced smile, he has forgotten. When he tries to remember if it is a warm feeling spreading through his body or if it was a light feeling, he can’t. He wants to talk to his friends. He wants to tell them how he feels like he is drowning in a sea of numbness, and he doesn’t know which way is up and which way is down. He wants to tell them how he can’t tell if he is laughing because he is laughing or if he is just laughing because that is what is what he is supposed to do. When he tries, the words don’t come. When they ask him how he is doing, he tells them that he is fine. He has forgotten how to tell people how he feels. That is what really terrifies him. He knows that there are days that he wants to scream the pain that fills him like a well out into the world, but there is something plugging the hole, but there are days that he is genuinely happy. He is shocked at how well he has developed the mask that he has. How well he has perfected pretending to be happy. No one notices the difference on the days that he is only sad or only numb. Even now, talking to his dear brother-like friend, Arthur doesn’t notice. No one does.

“Merlin?” Arthur began with a question in his voice, “Are you alright?”

Merlin nearly burst into tears when he asked that. Someone noticed. Someone finally noticed. All he needed to do was tell him “no”, and he would know that he wasn’t alright--that he hadn’t been alright in a long time.

However, despite the fact he desperately wanted to say no, the words, “I am fine. How are you?” left his mouth. 

Arthur just answered his question and continued on with the conversation. Merlin wanted to cry for a different reason now. He had gone on for so long with the mask of being fine that he didn’t know how to force cracks into it. He desperately wished to tell him. The same pattern continued with Gwaine and Lancelot. He could hardly believe it. Was there a chance at the mask breaking? He didn’t know. All he knew was that he wished to tell someone. He wanted to admit to wanting to stay in his bed and just hold the covers above his to hide away from the world. He wanted to wash away the feeling of hopelessness that he had on some days. He wished he was the boy he pretended to be when he got his “happy” ending. He knew that it had been a new start, but maybe there was a chance he would eventually get better. All he had to do was shove at the mask, and it would break. 

He didn’t know when, but there would eventually be a day when Gwaine would ask, “Are you okay?”

He would finally respond with, “No. I am not okay right now.”

There would also be a day that he would say to the man that is like a brother, “I may not be better now, but I will be eventually.”

He would be able to cry the tears that he shoves to the side until they overflow. He would finally reach a moment where he doesn’t need the mask. There would be a moment where the mask would completely disappear. Those were the days he looked forward to. He may not believe in them yet, but maybe someday he will. Happily ever after wasn’t all it was said to be, but maybe happily ever after isn’t a destination. Maybe it is a journey. You reach the end of one awful tale and work until you are finally able to feel the happiness of that happily ever after. That was all he wanted. Happiness. All he had to do was look in the right places. It isn’t one big moment. It is just a billion smaller ones.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Again, please share this with people if you feel that they could use this. Just one person showing that they care can make a person's day brighter. Please comment and let me know any thoughts about this that you want to share. If you have ever felt this way, it gets better, and I know that good friends can help! Thank you for reading! Stay safe and please support each other!


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